My Back Yard Roses

the new rose bush

orange rose bush – full of personality and in full bloom crazy

the runt of the rose bushes – always blooming, barely growing

the viney yellow rose – all expansion and few roses

my pink wild – she is so independent!

beauty pageant pink – showy, fragrant blossoms, spunky under the hackberry tree

the matriarch – not the biggest or the flashiest, but serene and strong

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That Dream

I had that dream again last night.  We were leaving a restaurant (my husband and me) and I was trying to get out of the place before anyone recognized me.  I had three bags with me and while my husband made his way to the counter to pay for our dinner, I tried to gather the blankets, jackets, toys, books and even weights and springs from the booth and shove them into the bags that were too small to carry everything. 

The more I tried to shove in and on top of the bags the more that would appear in the booth and the more that would fall onto the floor.  None of it seemed so important I had to take it or that I had to get out of the room in such a rush, but I couldn’t stop myself from trying to hurry it all into the bags and get myself outside.  This recurring dream theme is transparent.  I have too many responsibilities in my waking life and my solutions are right in front of me:

• slow down
• let some things drop
• calm down

My husband bought me a rose plant last weekend and we planted it in the back yard.  All the roses in the yard are going bloom nuts and I have been meaning to go out and photograph each bush.  Only two of the seven rose bushes I have are scented.  The new bush is one of them, which is why I could not leave it at the store last weekend even though the yard is full, full, full of plants.  Get all these connections?  Too much work, too many responsibilities, all these roses and not taking the time to smell them.

 

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The regular blog post

I’ve been off of Facebook for a few days. I deactivated my account last Wednesday night. I didn’t want anyone to worry, I just needed to silence myself until I calmed down about my shitty work week.  I can’t say that the absence of social networking is some grand existence, but I can say that the social silence is peaceful.  

I was feeling really angry and disappointed with myself for my failed interactions with a couple of difficult co-workers, followed by a couple of emails from another two co-workers bitching to our team.  This was right after week in which I worked over 100 hours and I was stressed, tired and not at all ready for the onslaught of negativity that happens to still be in full swing at work.  My natural tendency is to be overly empathetic, to take on the worries and fears of others and make them my responsibility in some way.  I work pretty hard to be less empathetic and more apathetic, but when I’m tired and overworked, my defenses falter.  I finally cut back on the overtime and have been working at directing my focus to more nurturing things.  My team is still rampaging at each other and I still have to work with the two difficult co-workers, but I think I will do my best to avoid working with BOTH of them within a two hour span.  In the last few weeks of working overtime, I lost my sense of self-approval and started to look again for others to approve that I am doing a good job.  No, no, no.  Not good.

Thanks to my husband for listening to me rant and then reason, I’ve been able to let go of my initial frustrations and realize that I am still and have been doing my best.  If my best is not working in some areas, no biggie, I will tweak what is not working and keep what IS.  One thing that tends to get me in a pickle is reacting before I have time to think.  It’s much harder to go back to someone and try to clean up a mess you made when you reacted too soon.  My other issue is my all or nothing attitude.  Sometimes, there is a compromise available that will work just fine.  I need to remember that.

I’ve since pulled way back on my work interactions.  I needed some cooling off and once I had some time working alone, I realized that my team is currently in a giant storm of stress and lashing out.  Whoa!  No wonder why I’d been knocked off course.  I’m still reeling a bit from the last couple of emails, sent over the weekend, but I can now think of them as my co-workers’ mistakes, not reasons to get upset, but their own struggles made public.  We’ll all get through this rough patch and if I have to crouch down in my own corner and work, I can do that.  My job is not to patch anyone’s team skills and frankly, nothing is going to get through to a person who is irate at the time.  Better to just to my work and stay on the outside of the storm as much as I can.

Running

Isn’t everyone talking about running these days?  It’s like when everyone gets pregnant in the same year.  Everyone one is running.  I think it’s great and you can skoooch a spot for me on that wagon.  It’s been several years since I was running.  I let migraines take over and gradually stopped playing sports and running and working out regularly.  Then, I started seeing exercise and diet as only means for losing weight.  I’m changing my thinking.  I felt good when I ran every morning and I did it because I just enjoyed running.  I’m on my rocky start to running again for fun.  Running just so I can run.  I’ll have to manage the migraines and over time, I think they will clear up and not be an issue.

Food seems to play a bigger part in my headaches than I ever expected.  I have stayed away from deli meats and oranges (most citrus) and it seems to be making a difference.  I need to experiment more and see if tomatoes are a no-no.  I’m really optimistic about my changes so far and I’m really, really excited at the possibility that I may not have migraines at all as I increase my running endurance if I know my trigger foods.  

If you are in the process of running again, for the first time or still doing it.  Wow!  Giant, potent, kudos from me to you! 

 

 

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NaPoWriMo: April 19

spooky sock in every room
sneaky sliding under doors
silent sitting in back of cars
spooky sock, pink and white

milk-crusted, slobbered wet
taking pictures with the girl
in long-sleeve gowns
and sweat pants

spooky sock climbs the bedside
if blankets reach the floor
crawling under sheets
tugging slight on pjs

spooky sock waits on swing seats
where babies sleep
if something goes amiss,
he blames the spooky shoe.

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NaPoWriMo: April 18

Village Monsters

Gate bangs against post.
Who would go?
latch it tight
run back inside,
when they come
walking together
down the street
robes dragging dirt
cloths in hand
moving in diffused light.

Who would peek?
through closed curtains
see them glide
behind the drugstore
where windows show
they hide.

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NaPoWriMo: April 17

The White Mega Blok
Landing in the pile,
rainbow rocket nose topples,
left behind on Mars.

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NaPoWriMo: April 16

Much Work

We spend much time in the place
where metal father lived
whimpering low and lumbering
yellow trunk and foot marks
on the demonstration floor

This our corridor of iron offspring
flickering guard faces
lined in a dance row
and two telephones

We push them to work more
the guards
and the guards push them to work more
the machines

We leave our tasks
and in the morning,
look for what’s dead.

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NaPoWriMo: April 12

Meditation for the Overworked

wrapped up
warm
inside my tent
lake water
lapping outside

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NaPoWriMo: April 11

Church Candy

Cotton candy fluffed pillows
eaten on Friday nights
no church the next day.

Saturday night
pillows bunched, smooshed, tossed around
seeping balls of sugar
not eaten
sticky hands steal from weekly offerings—
whether in baskets or trays
Who passes around trays anyway?
Your neighbor’s tithe clinks
and you give a dollar
or take one instead.

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NaPoWriMo: April 10

missed

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